July 19, 2010

Operation: giving a shit about my body

The other day I stopped at home to grab some mail and basically just say "hey" to my parents. My dad was in the kitchen and we found ourselves chatting. I told him I had been feeling kind of janky lately. He said "You're looking too skinny...how much do you weigh...please eat something or drink some juice." Hm. This was odd. I had been skinny before. Much skinnier in fact. That would be the anorexia and bulimia episode that I went through a few years ago and got over. This time around it was me just not eating as much as I normally do. Since moving in with Eric, I have found myself eating significantly less. I am not really skating as much or trying to get outside to take 30 minute walks everyday. I also found myself not really eating proper dinners. I fore-go eating in order to just keep working through the shift. I am not intentionally trying to lose weight, I just did. I lost quite a bit in fact...

My dads comment kind of made me a little happy I guess. It was more so a back-handed compliment. To me anyways. I always prefer to be on the thin side, I just feel more comfortable. At the same time, I desire to have a figure. A body that's appealing to look at. It's a tough place for me to be in. Over these past three days, I have just sort of made this effort to eat whatever the hell I wanted. I don't normally go nuts over eating. I prefer to just eat small amounts. Not this weekend; it was sort of a three day pig-out. I have a bit of self-loathing going on with a feeling of absolute righteousness. It is so nice to just let yourself have a weekend to eat what you'd like. Now it's time for Operation: time to give a shit about my body.

I want to start eating damn healthy. I don't want my immune to falter and I want my body to be in good working order. It just feels good when you're eating right and eating good complete meals. Another factor that would contribute would be the ATV tumble that Eric and I took this weekend. Instead of a day of fun in Wisconsin, it ended up to be a day of grass stains, emergency rooms, and sore bodies. In Eric's case it resulted in a broken clavicle. The ATV hit my back in the flip, but it just hurts and my torso is in a lot of pain. So this weekend has consisted of a whole bunch of nothing which of course is glorious. It is actually kind of nice when one of us is sick and/or has an injury because we can just sit and hang out and take care of one another. I really enjoy just sitting back and relaxing/resting. We both need it. I enjoy taking care of my handsome lad :) I just want to feel good in all other aspects and I want to heal quickly. I can't believe I've been eating like such an asshole lately. I really need to start eating veggies and fruit again and good set meals, not just small things here and there.

Today I anticipated grocery shopping. I had a damn good plan. I made a super healthy/delicious shopping list based on these lists; List one and List 2 and I wanted to load up the house with stuff that was healthy yet good to eat. That is often the problem. I just jot random healthy shit on my grocery list without a plan and come home and a yellow pepper will sit on the counter without a purpose. So I sat down and thought of meals, snacks, breakfasts and all sorts of good stuff to plan out. Then I went to Target's website to see if any of the items I wanted or needed were on sale. Some were--bonus. Oh yeah. I planned my trip out so nicely. Hopefully I will continue to make absolutely fantastic shopping lists. I even marked the items by what section of the store they could be found in :)

Excuse me, I have a NATALIE MERCHANT concert to get very excited for! It's going down on Thursday.