"Um, sheer vanity?" and how to deal with it.

I feel there is really no fantastic introduction to lead into what I want to talk about. It's something that I've been thinking heavily about over the past months and I'm ready to let my fingers do the typing.

This isn't really about "feminism", but more so about appearance, beauty standards, and how it's been affecting me lately. As a girl/woman/gal in her 20's, I've had a lot of changes in perspective when it comes to beauty and how I perceive it. I've been coming across things having to do with the subject [beauty privilege] which of course propelled me further into writing something about it because it is a subject that hits on a range of emotions for me.

"What will grow crooked you can't make straight, it's the price that you gotta pay..." -Black Swan by Thom Yorke.

We all know that society is responsible for dictating what we find beautiful or attractive. We have this, along with many other things that separate people and somehow, all of us are somehow responsible for feeding into it or making it an acceptable standard. Almost anyone will tell you that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but what if the beholder is ridiculously conventional? Why do we try to base our looks off a standard that is never a permanent fixture within society (i.e. trends)? Over the course of time, the beauty standard have changed drastically, and we all know how so there is no use in pointing them out. How is it that people turn to such un-attainable practices in order to be deemed "good-looking" by a society that is constantly in motion? There are people that confuse this painstaking beauty effort with beauty that they were privileged enough to be born with. Working with beauty you have-accentuating features, contacts, etc, are not far stretches. Plastic surgery and extreme methods of any kind to achieve societal beauty, well, sucks. My questioning towards all of this seems endless, but maybe I can make some attempt to understand it while digging around in my own head.

I've been told for a long period of my life that I'm "hot/attractive/pretty/beautiful/cute" or insert whatever other synonym for "good looking" that you prefer. On the contrary, I've been called ugly. I can attribute that to a wonderful phase in middle school, but I'm sure that people look at me now and think I look gnarly- and in no way is that supposed to be a good connotation. I've never banked on this notion of attractiveness that people laid over me. In no way, shape, or form do I consider myself a beauty queen, but I would say that I've been given physical attributes that would make a candidate for being attractive. Blonde hair, blue eyes, desirable hip ratio, no wrinkles, and a small frame. This does not mean that I've "conformed" to social standards, this only means I'm working with what I've been given, it's just hard to get them straight.

In high school, I worked hard to look good. I can't say I worked hard to look attractive, if attractiveness is something you're born with, something of privilege. I put time into straightening my hair along with dying it. I put a good amount of time figuring out what odd print would go with some other odd print (something I managed to scoop in a Goodwill). I made sure that an ample amount of time was spent on my social skills and events, and not on the only thing that mattered; education. I realize that I was likely viewed as vapid for caring about such things and choosing not to excel in my school work. However, I KNOW that I was vapid during the times I spent in high school, because dating seemed more important-and to some degree, it did have importance, but not enough for me to not regret it. I cared more about after school plans or working out than I did about what homework I would be working on that evening. If I could have been how I am now, back in high school, then I would have been on to something. Doesn't everyone say that, though? You know who doesn't say that? People who did phenomenally well in high school to go onto college to do nothing of importance or value. This makes me feel slightly better. When it comes down to it, I still put effort into my looks, but now I wonder what that means that how exactly that is viewed.

I have always banked upon personality and trying to entertain people. It has always been my asset. Of course, that's also my name backwards. I will consider this a direct quality I picked up while trying to impress a panel of judges at a young age while simultaneously competing with group of girls my age that shared or out-shined my skill set. Oh, and of course being the youngest child and being around all the dinner parties your folks have. This all worked to my advantage. So I have this personality, and some people like it and I mean, like, really like it-(but I can totally understand the ones who hate it-way more so than the ones who like it). Is that it? Does that attribute to what makes me attractive? I can't say I came out of the womb as a hit-there has to be some attachment to this right? Look at children. Go on, look at them-some kids are so damned ugly-and it's probably based on some factor that they are acting like an asshole (cue my parents telling me I shouldn't swear in my blogs...) or the factor that they've obtained no sense of personality yet-often to no fault of their own. This isn't necessarily applicable to just kids, but really anyone-minus the lack of development. It's unfortunate that a mood you're in at a certain point in time has the ability to make an impact on how people view you/base your attractiveness.

It's like that thing that everyone I've ever encountered believes in; people get more attractive as you get to know them, as that personality 'shines through' and makes it possible to transform your face into a thing a beauty. You know, I'm a total believer in that statement though, and it's because we feel bad calling our friends ugly. I'm totally kidding, as you get to know people, it's true. They do become more beautiful. We realize their actions behind everything, why they speak the way they do, who their influences are, what they want to pursue, all of these things that a person encompasses make them unique and yes, beautiful.

There is that. Natural beauty that is only more accentuated by that dazzling personality you just might happen to possess. So what do people think when you put time into your looks--you know, a notice-able amount of time. Does a certain stigma get placed upon that? Is someone who is genuinely intelligent coupled with gorgeous-ness ever able to get anywhere in life without people thinking that it all might be attributed to her looks? Probably not. It works exactly the other way, people who are highly intelligent without the advantage of beauty privilege have the downside of being out-shined by someone who may be slightly less intelligent, but has more approachable and appreciated beauty by a greater amount of people; making her more friendly and work-place preferred. These are things that REALLY bother me in our society. It bothers me that attractive people are able to get by on nothing more than physical attributes, even if I am someone entitled to those some advantages. I disdain that women, based on science, will choose a male suited with "desirable" qualities and fore-go faithfulness in order to have those same qualities found in her children. I'm bothered that women [& MEN] are slapped with a thousand images of what we should be and have this attempt to "be original"-but what the hell is that anymore with everyone being interconnected and popping up mobile images of inspiration second by second? Seriously, tell me how you can be "original" anymore, without looking looking like an idiot to the masses? I think that the smarter person ALWAYS has the upper advantage and should be the ones to succeed. Look around-there are so many people in power who are absolutely, abhorrently stupid and you have to ask yourself "What are we basing this all on?" This is where it doesn't just come down to attractiveness, so I will try not to dwell on it.

I also have to point out this one thing, I have to because it's been jutting around in my mind for awhile and it needs to get settled in somewhere. The following exists; women who are taken extremely seriously, who are regarded as doing their job in a spectacular manner, while executing smarts and extreme like-ability, and will sacrifice what they need to for the task at hand. Now, these women, tend to not put all the emphasis on their looks, which is fine, this works for them. Sometimes, the absence of overwhelming beauty can actually propel a woman forward in jobs that may be more likely to employ males because she is more easily seen as one of the guys. Why don't all women have this advantage? Again, beautiful women can also be smart, but most likely, it won't be the set of crutches they choose to lean on, because it's hard to play both cards. You want the hand you play to be most successful in the most amount of situations. A lot of powerful women tend to look more masculine, again, not all of them, in politics & military; in terms of getting the big stuff going, the people that get taken REALLY seriously. A good argument against the woman's masculine-looking approach to success would be Arianna Huffington without a doubt. She, and countless others who are beautiful and smart as a whip and making sure things are getting done. See, you can easily possess both, it's just hard to do well.

Sometimes, I just don't know where to place it all and I get very 'Daria' on myself where I contemplate every possible course of action and how it's perceived even when I don't even care at all how it's perceived because I just want to do whatever I want without consequence because it's my life and not yours. Then it comes down to hating yourself for caring in the first place. Anyone would agree that it's easier to go about your day when you hold a slight confidence in your appearance to the outside world, you can generally get away with a little more because of the standards that society goes by. It's the difference between looking like someone to flirt with and looking at someone like someone who is a potentially good conversationalist. Maybe they are one of the same. If you're pretty, you're probably normal, or at least not too weird because you have an easy 'in' with society. This is what I believe people think. And then when a pretty person does something really weird, people don't know what the hell should be going through their minds. I KNOW THIS. I know this because they are thinking something like, "What is she doing?! She's 'in' and she's totally throwing it away". They almost get mad. Even if they aren't, they definitely are.

Have you ever met an older woman (70-80 years old) and they are bitter? Like, extremely bitter? A good deal of it is probably concerned with her looks. I cannot imagine what this process of losing your physical attributes is like. Part of me never wants to find out. I can imagine that someone that was once cloaked in beauty would want that privilege their whole life because the easy charm that you can lay over people. Once it becomes a fleeting memory, I'm sure that's a hard spoonful to swallow and I'm sure it settles like glass. It's either that or what I tell a lot of people dealing with old bitter people. They've been around a long time, long enough to know what they want. So once they know this, they aren't going to wait for some eighteen year old asshole to take their time doing it or somebody questioning them or jerking them around. They're going to be crotchety about it. If you ask me, that's just alright by me. I completely understand. It's like, we all hate everyone for being all over our backs, yet we are so willing to jump all over someone else's back at any chance we get. Humans suck in this sense.

Caring about vanity is a tough call because of the stipulations that come along with what it means. It means you care about what you look like and you probably want others to care too. Sometimes, admitting this is extremely difficult. For others, it's easy to come to terms with and understand. There is also this assumption that makeup and vanity covers up insecurity. I'm sorry, but tell me how we're supposed to be perceived again? If someone has too much confidence, their covering up insecurity? But if someone uses make up and clothes to enhance looks they are also insecure? Can we strike a balance here, people? It's not usually common to see someone attractive and think "Oh, I wonder how smart they are." Sometimes I see the void when it comes to a highly intelligent person caring excessively about their outward appearance, they will usually dress how they want to dress because they're smart enough to know that's all that matters- or they dress out of pure practicality. Take one of my favourite characters from television; Amy Farrah-Fowler [read more here] from The Big Bang Theory. I love this show and the characters it's comprised of.

Amy Farrah-Fowler

Basically, when it comes down to it, I wish I were like this character in real life. She is SO smart, and carries an intelligence that most normal people don't envy. I do. I've spent my life have normal intelligence, nothing off the charts, so yeah, I'd like to up the ante when it comes to what the old brain can shoot out. So we have that. Then there's the female contrast; cue Penny.

Penny & Sheldon

The neighbor who seamlessly fits in with the pack of brain-and dates one of them.

My favourite aspect is that she is friends with these guys AND becomes "BFF/Besties" with Amy. Unfortunately, I cannot embed any of the videos I found, but [here]. Above all else, 'Daria' is the greatest example of this feeling. I found the wiki page going more into the episode explanation itself. The episode made a good point of the struggle between caring and not caring. Read more about Daria's vanity struggles [here]-I'm so glad that page exits. You can see more of what I'm talking about here; the conversation between choosing to possibly enhance appearance and whether or not it's an acceptable feeling for someone who doesn't usually care...

Keep in mind, this appears backwards. It looks as if they've headed to Europe...heh.

All in all, I have way too much going on in my head about this but I'm glad this got slapped down and somewhat organized. I'm constantly conflicted by what I see and feel that we have so many options and opinions, that it makes it that much harder. Hopefully you were able to pull out something and relate to it. If not, at the least maybe you will start watching 'The Big Bang Theory' or catch up on your back episodes of Daria. Maybe you too hate the standards that we consider attractive or acceptable within society or have the struggle of vanity versus personality...or the advantages of both... I'd love to hear about it.

Florence + The Black Keys Rock Milwaukee! @flo_tweet #TheBlackKeys

The other night I had the luck of seeing one of my favourite musical artists of all time perform live and I am eternally grateful for this occurence. Of course, I'm referencing Florence + The Machine and her show at Summerfest in Milwaukee this past Wednesday. I previously mentioned in my last post (and numerous others) that I missed her Chicago appearance that was scheduled for June 18, 2011 at the Aragon Ballroom. This was quite a step up in venue since her April 2010 at House of Blues. I'm serious though, I've droned on about that show too much (well, for you probably). If you haven't seen it, check out all things I've blogged about Florence HERE.

So of course, WXRT helped me out on the information front and advertised that she would be appearing with Cage The Elephant and The Black Keys. My counterpart and I are both Black Keys fans (we saw them this past New Years at The Aragon) so there was little to no arm twisting in order to get him to purchase the tickets and take the short trip to Milwaukee. He knows how much I love Florence and I think the risk of him being the one getting in the way of seeing her show would be an issue, especially since the last once fell through the cracks, was too great. Heh, so needless to say, we picked them up on the way to Milwaukee and my excitement grew as the tickets were finally within my hands-and eyesight.

YAY! Roadtrip time. Well, three hours, a mini-road trip. I love long car rides, especially with my counterpart. We checked into the Hotel Metro, which the hotel we gravitate to when we stay in Milwaukee (we had been here previously for Spoon on New Years 2009/2010). It was the first LEEDS certified hotel in Wisconsin and has a bunch of neat back history to it-if you're into that sort of thing. Not to mention, the beds are so so so comfortable and the service and food is fantastic. We have to remember that the rock stars stay at the neighboring hotel, but we love the style of the rooms at the Hotel Metro. We did catch a glimpse of the Black Keys standing outside the other hotel, which was a thrill on the way to see them...but let's not forget, this is a Florence review-so back to that! We walked down to Summerfest around 5:30, strolled along the lakeside, got dippin' dots & elephant ears, and made our way into The Marcus Ampihtheatre, were I grew anxious...

This place was BIG. I had seen her in a room with no more than 200 people where I was mere feet away from the stage. I threw a pin and a note and hoped for the best. I snagged that glorious set-list that she stomped all over in her musical fury...

...this was a big change. The place was flooded, but in a way, I was thrilled. I was so happy that so many people would get to experience this performance-and people that generally would not, which is the key thing. The people I was around weren't necessarily there for Florence, which kind of made me think I might feel sheepish when she came on and I started dancing like an idiot (an awesome idiot!). I continued to throw up all over twitter about it (see sidebar) and sat in my seat watching the instruments for the machines be put in place. The harp appeared and my excitement soared. I could not be more excited to see her perform.

See, here's the thing, You see, Florence is one of my musical soulmates. It's hard to sum up what that really means to me, but I guess it ultimately means that her music moves me—dancing, figure skating, singing; it makes me feel, it would be music that I myself would choose to create, it's been music that I've passed on to a countless number of people. I've been listening to her for years and can genuinely say that I'm so proud of her WELL-DESEREVED success. I'm happier knowing she's alive, making music, and performing. Seeing this show was a big deal to me. I just want to make that clear.

The lights dimmed, the crowd rose in unison, and the music for "Howl" came out through the speakers. I could feel it-the energy that was about to be unleashed through vocal performance and exuberance across the stage. She appears-light bouncing off of her red hair and draped in a dark red cloak over a dress. Her microphone is adorned with fake flowers-she collects. The voice pours from her and overwhelms the crowd. The music pounds out perfectly through the speakers, a style of music that sounds "really good coming from that style theatre" according to my counterpart (turned Florence fan this past Wednesday). The huge screens and projectors were a huge aid in really watching the performance along with her connection to the music. There are a million things you can take away from her performances, but one of my favourite qualities is her witchy vibe she exudes, which I'm sure is no accident. She tends to look at the crowd eerily while twitching her fingers along to the melody or you can find her appearing to cast spells and conduct the crowd with her drumstick which she used to great effect in songs like "Drumming Song" & "Between Two Lungs". It is entrancing to watch her move from one side of the stage to another and to see her shear cape float through the air as her voice commands your adoration.. It's even better to hear her shreak and scream as an accent to some of her songs-including her new single. I cannot wait for that new album...

As expected, 'Cosmic Love' struck more chords than expected and I found tears streaming down my face as I was dancing and singing along. I loved the crowd during 'Rabbit Heart (Raise It Up)' & 'Dog Days Are Over' and was just so happy to be a part of the whole experience. The best news came when she said this was her LAST SHOW OF THE TOUR! I let out a squeal and was so relieved that I was able to see this show. I was glad I got to experience her album live twice and I'm also glad I got to hear the new single, which was phenomenal. Florence had to go ahead and have awesome tour shirts, which I definitely decided needed to be mine upon laying my eyes on it so you can see me modeling that here;

Unfortunately, this wasn't a Florence + The Machine show, it was more of an elongated opener. She played a lot of my favourites, but there will always be songs left out of they are all your favourites. I can only hope to see her next time she comes to Chicago. I can only imagine what kind of venue she will be in next time, regardless, I will be there to see it-you better be too! I cannot forget to mention The Black Keys, because they were great and are a pleasure to watch and listen to. I loved how they used movie/clip backgrounds to go along with their music. 'Everlasting Light' is always my favourite song they perform-however, I feel that a great song to go into right after is 'Never Gonna Give You Up'. It would be so great with that disco ball down-a huge perk of the performance. Both of these artists are an absolute treat to see live-so lucky that I got to see them both twice. I hope that the third time's a charm!

Nineties adoration, Three things, & Two books.

**

The current time happens to be 12:59 P.M. on the Fourth of July.

My counterpart is still asleep.

I can actually hear the second hand tick on the kitchen clock. Loudly.

I have three thoughts on my mind.

1) When I listen to the song 'Bizness' by the Tune-Yards, I have a huge desire to paint my face, grab a group of people, and rent out an auditorium for a day and rock out to this song and other random songs by various artists. That's the dream. To start up a band that just covers random songs. Just for total fun. That would be..just so cool. Anyone in?

2) If I could teach step aerobics/zumba or some high energy class based around jumping around or moving like an idiot, I WOULD. Especially if I could use the music of "Girl Talk" to accent those calorie-burning moves! This video I found is amazing. It was actually made by a professor who paired up with his students at Concordia University in Montreal. Definitely check it out, just to appreciate the work that went into it. 

3) Professional Cheerleading-why are you not my career? Again, this is most likely the Girl Talk taking over my body and making me have the desire to unleash tumbling passes, basket tosses, and tick-tocks. I'm not talking about the broads you see cheering on the NFL sidelines. I mean, like; Cheer Athletics (see below). I would love to compete with this team. It's funny. I was so anti-cheerleader as a small girl and in late middle school I found myself complacent on an all-star team. The only aspects I find enjoyable are the tumbling and the stunting and of course the moronic dancing. I can't help but think that I'm drawn to things where you can move your body in a way that's bound to release a good amount of endorphins. You can leave the facials and the cheering pep at the door (you could never find me sporting either one qualities during practice). I like the aspects that make it a sport. And of course anything competitive. Damn, youth.

Okay. So that's pretty shameful being that there are a million more important things that should be crossing my mind, but I'm pretty content where I'm at. It has been a long time since I've kept up. I guess that's the whole me not wanting to take it all out on my writing. Too much angst in a blog isn't always ideal. However, there is a glimmer of delight in my upcoming week. So I missed that Florence + The Machine show that graced the city of Chicago on June 18th. However, a few days after I was almost done wallowing in discontent, I heard that she would be in Milwaukee (found in the neighboring state) along with The Black Keys-another favourite and Cage The Eleplant, who I can dig Why thank you, XRT! I informed my counterpart of this immediately. Of course, there's the lovely procrastination, followed by the adored final purchase. I am relieved that I will catch another Florence Performance (heh!) but will always long for that first tiny show at House of Blues. I am excited to stay a night or two in Milwaukee as well. Hopefully we can catch a meal at a great restaurant called Roots. My mouth is already watering thinking about the options...uh oh. I better not get ahead of myself!

Due to the environment in which I've been working lately, I have a lot of time to be creative. It's summer, meaning business is a little slower due to the lack of eventful holidays where cookies seem to say it all. Needless to say, this is what I've been keeping busy with;

This was my first feat.

This also has to be one of my favourite things that I've decorated.

I posted this around twitter and facebook and my friend replied with

"I fucking love it! Make the whole cast!"

and so I did...

Which led me to have this finished product days later.

The Quote: Episode 'Jake of Hearts'

Jane: Why Daria, are you becoming an optimist?

Daria: I don't know. Hold up your glass...nope, still 1/2 empty.

I've delved into watching it from the start and I am midway through season four. I have two versions of the show; the show that came straight from MTV and the show that comes from the DVD's. The music from the actual show version is good and real, it's funny to hear the dubs/covers replacing the good stuff. Needless to say, I wish I would have been a few years older while living in the nineties, but I'm sure it was time well spent as I collected and played with pogs, created beadie-critters, had CD's by bands like Savage Garden (ugh), and longed for more time with my Easy Bake oven. I guess I can't complain too much.

  

 

 

It's more that desire to live it over again, which I suppose rustles inside of us more than we'd hope for. I wish my priorities were different in my teens. Of course, this would be detrimental to who I am now, although, I'd still favour to go back in time and re-do a few things. I'm currently reading "Eating The Dinosaur" by Chuck Klosterman and he talks a bit about time travel and how it's a question of morality and says just that-how it's a detriment. How you wouldn't be able to determine who was you if you met yourself in a different time frame, you'd ultimately be canceling yourself out. Fascinating book, I highly recommend it. It's also rather amusing to read along with 'Whiter Shades of Pale' by Christian Lander. It's a follow up to 'Stuff White People Like' and it's still just as amusing. It's funny to see both books pick out behaviors and mindsets of a large population of people but the former delves a bit deeper into making connections and how we are expected to feel upon encountering such subjects.

  

**What kind of person would I be if I didn't post pictures of fireworks on the Fourth of July.

Speaking of fireworks, I'm craving cheesecake...

Sweet way to show some PRIDE.

HAPPY PRIDE DAY, CHICAGO! 

(& NEW YORK)

These are the cookies that I decorated for the occasion this past weekend.

I was really hoping that they'd sell, but unfortunately I'm a bit outside the city and the people coming in weren't necessarily the people that would be headed down to the pride parade.

Needless to say, it was a joy to decorate them.

and just in case you were abducted Friday afternoon and just got dropped off a few hours ago:

How exciting and a great step forward!

and while on a sweet note...

I had to decorate these. One for my counterpart and one for my brother, both hold an affinity for the Simpsons. Eric and I watched this particular episode the other night and on certain days that I work I like to create an inside joke cookie or something personal to replicate in edible form.

Here's the original clip:

Hope your weekend was grand.

A Charming Twist (Goodwill & Trivial Pursuit)

The twist of events today was exactly what I needed.

I woke up thinking that I was to be at work by 2pm at my other location about 40 minutes away. I went about my usual routine as if that were the case; cereal/bagel action, hung around with my counterpart, took a quick stroll, and got ready. I had stopped at a bank close to my house to take deposits in for my work where I decided to pull up my schedule on e-mail to see who I was working with. I found that I wasn't on for today for that particular store. In fact, I wasn't scheduled at all. It was a blip on the one printed at work, but the one e-mailed was accurate. PERFECT. I was thankful that I had to make the stop to notice that I hadn't been expected to arrive. I made the deposits and headed straight to Goodwill. It was pay day and the one in my area is a gem. I had been wanting to poke around in there for a couple months now, especially because my birthday coupon for 25% off was burning a major hole in my wallet. Imagine that--a coupon for Goodwill, and trust me, it worked wonders when my 13 items amounted to $35. I didn't really have a mission for this particular visit-as in I was just going there to wander aimlessly, but had fully intended on walking out with a heap of things. Rest assured, I did just that.

7 shirts, 1 jacket, a pair of brown boots, a plaid purse, Trivial Pursuit: Totally 80's & 20th Anniversary, and a pair of funky earring pictured in the middle there.

JACKPOT.

I've been wanting to load up on some board games in the house. I want to find something that we both really enjoy and Trivial Pursuit will suffice for now. It was funny to test our 80's knowledge (yes, we already dove into playing), seeing that we are both in our early 20's. It's hard because we know it secondhand, but we can still keep up to a certain extent. Snagging both of those games for under $3 was exquisite.

Needless to say, the day ended up to be rather charming. Instead of heading to work, I got some quality time spent thrifting, cleaning, and scarfing down Portillo's. Speaking of cleaning, I feel like this little devil needs to be thrown into the post;

I got this at Target the other day. I'm a fan of natural cleaners-especially ones that will be used in the kitchen and I had heard good things about this brand so I got it. It is perfect for scrubbing down tubs, sinks, and gnarly countertops. It smells really unique and does a really great job so I just felt like I should give it a public pat on the back.

You may have noticed the lack of writing. You may have not. I've been in a funk. I just feel that it's not fair to take it out on my writing. I feel like I don't have a lot of positive to write about right now and I can't force it. I just feel so extremely teenage. I feel like I should have gone through this phase 10 years ago-& I'm sure I did.  I just want to curl up, listen to Lithium, & browse the Dr. Martins online site. Working long 9 hour shifts with my brain left alone to claw at itself is rough, it's too much time to contemplate anything. It's problematic because about 95% of my work is mindless, I can think about a number of things while carrying out nearly all the tasks expected of me- ::sigh:: I'm just glad that I got a freebie today. Not one bit of me was in the mood for a shift to be carried out. What a fantastic occurrence!

Have you gotten any freebies lately??

'So I turn myself to face me...but I never caught a glimpse'

Ah, a glorious Monday off. This will only result in me thinking we are a day behind each day this week. Hm. How bittersweet.

I heard this song the other day and have been pretty amped on it since. It's from their new release 'No Color', which came out on March 24th, two days after my birthday to be precise. This band is from San Fransisco and has been making music together for awhile now, so check 'em out.

Today is already unusual because the amount of words I've spoken have been few. It's one of those rare days that I'd like to encounter more often (I'm sure the people around me would agree). The mood of this Memorial Day is just peculiar. Instead of finding myself surrounded by a group of close friends or family, I find myself inside wishing the weather was more somber. Does anyone else feel that the sunshine holds an obligation that you're not always jumping to fulfill? I've woken up the past few days to grey skies and moisture dominating the atmosphere where you feel like it can go one of two ways; you can become a recluse for the day or you can get out and accomplish something and feel better about it because you did it all while it was raining...heh.

I did get out and take a walk with my counterpart this afternoon, where we got a little preview of the Chicago summer temperatures that are about to settle in for the next three months. I feel like it is a tad early to be complaining about the summer heat after we just spent a solid 6 months rejecting that wretched cold we are lucky enough to encounter all the way through April. Oh Chicago, I have no hope of you getting it together.

I had to drag myself away off the couch after watching a few Daria episodes because watching a show where the theme is sarcasm and a lack of motivation will not anything for my own motivation, but it might do something for my wit. I've been having Daria moods lately.

I feel like I'm back in that 'lack of motivation' phase, along with a 'I want to dye my hair' phase. I hate my how my drive is so overwhelming when I'm smack dab in the middle of it and then how it has the potential to become lost oh so easily. You know that feeling where you know you need to start making things happen, but at the same time you're just expecting it all to get handed to you? That expectation is never realistic, but I feel that I will encounter what I need to encounter when the time is right. I'm in the vicinity of other opportunities, but I just have to wait for the right one to really present itself. Listening to me trying to figure out what I want to really do with my life is like listening to a 6 year old ramble off their dreams and desires- it changes week to week and generally is a profession that quite difficult to attain. Even if I don't know what I will be doing in the years to come, the most I can hope for is that I will at least be doing something. I feel like we all know what we really want to be doing, but we don't know how to make that happen, or we are afraid that if we do make it happen, we will find out it's nothing like we'd thought it would be. If it's my case, I just get discouraged about the onslaught of competition that I encounter when trying to figure out a career. I feel there are already a million people doing what I want to be doing. There can be a million and one...right?

It's scary to think of how much things change in such a short period of time. I spend a lot of time thinking about the journey on the way to those changes. There are times where you know that change is your intent, and you can feel it happening. You can analyze every little bit and know that you're headed somewhere different, somewhere bigger and maybe a little better than the original start point. Sometimes things change and you haven't even taken time to embrace the journey or let alone even realized you were on one, you just remember a time where things were different and you don't know how you arrived here. Like how those friends of ours can often become strangers to us. I often wonder if the changes we encounter are the ones we want to be making or if they are the ones we feel we have to make in order to fulfill something else. We all know that resisting change is completely useless and rather difficult, it just has the ability to be anything but a positive experience. My uncertainty scares me. Ugh, what a drag. To sum it up best;

Have you ever had the day or that feeling where you actually feel like you're getting younger? Like the decisions you become faced with seem to be the ones you should have had before you years ago? No..?

I have to remember this:

Ah, Foster The People. I really dig this band and this version isn't heard too much. I've been hearing it on satellite radio (Alt nation) and have really eased into it, although I generally stray from acoustic versions of anything. This band comes out of L.A. and claims that they sort of started playing together by accident. Hopefully you like it, it reminded me of that easy, mellow tune you want to be listening to on a sunny day. You can here the other version here-both are great.

In case you're jonesin' for some more Daria, here are some more clips;

-Tessa

"...and in that moment I swear, we were INFINITE"

I love this song for all it makes me think about while listening to it.

It makes me think of;

glamorous women blowing out cigarette smoke between their red painted lips,

naive school children in the 50's that are curious and excited about the future,

thoughts of tyranny, French women swaying carefully to music on balconies, and lastly, those ritzy parties that you see going on in old movies where pearls, fur shawls, and endless amounts of booze always seem to make an appearance. One of my favourite lines of all time is within this song;

"I have the key in my hand, all I have to find is the lock..."

that is exactly how I feel about things right now.

I'm currently watching a gnarly storm roll in. I love the energy that big storms bring. You know, that moment just before it starts to rain where the air becomes saturated and you can feel the air surrounding you get colder. Here is what it looked like on radar from KLOT view. We live just NW of this huge squall line that is going on. We basically got the ripple effect of this storm, not the most severe, just the small repercussions of on the outskirts. No hail, just good winds and quick downpours. I didn't see too much lightning, but that doesn't mean it's not producing a ton of it.

This morning started off so beautifully too. I knew I shouldn't have spent my morning sleeping (regrettably until 11:15 A.M.), but it was just too glorious of a sleep to try and dash out early. I'm just glad I got my walk in before the huge raindrops were unleashed, you know, the kind that pound you as they fall? Always a sign greatness is rolling in when it goes dark at 4 P.M.

As this month continues to fly by, I can only hope for a good week to unfold ahead of me. The past week was full of ups and downs. I have a real tendency to let the little things get me down, but on the contrary I get lifted up and motivated by the smallest occurrences (like when Terri Hemmert played 'Call Me Al' the other day for her closing song as I was about to implode. Magically, it changed the scheme of things) It gets hard to strike a balance, but it is vital. The disappointment is heaviest in the subject of communication; when something you're trying to stress is being completely missed. Have you ever told someone a problem you were having and then just after you finish they try to convince you that it isn't so? Anything that proceeds this is useless, you just have to outsource your problem, send it away. Or bottle it up. Never shake this bottle.

Enjoy! (seriously, do a little dance)

Can I please express my disappointment that I did not get the chance to see Paul Simon grace the stage of the Vic theater last week?! Just...ugh

::slapping self::

Whenever I hear this song, I think of this scene in 'The Office' when...

That is the magic of it all. Music can change everything. It's kind of like when I go to a party and someone puts on the tunes and I'm up doing the shopping cart (the dance move, not the object) within 10 seconds or whenever I'm about to flip out and XRT plays 'There, There' to allow me to hold on to my sanity just a little while longer(XRT is a serious fixture in my workplace). Here, take a listen for yourself. One of my favourite Radiohead* songs;

Music just has an amazing ability to really take us on a journey. It can evoke endless emotions or make us stay content or amplify the ones we have. Have you ever been in the mood to listen to music that you know will make you cry, but it's the thing only you can handle? Or one that makes you feel like you should be in a certain setting? I live for that one moment in a song that I just cling to. There's always a part in a song that hits me hard, even if it is just a small addition to a note or a vocal fluctuation. My favourite is when music makes you feel infinite; when you feel that power being thrown in your direction and the feeling of ability is slapping you hard across the face-like you can truly do anything. When that energy surges through you, it's remarkable. Or when realizations become unfolded in someone else's lyrics...it's beautiful. When it comes down to it, these moments are too fleeting, but I assume that if they were there all the time, we'd just be overly cocky.

You can find this page in one of my favourite books, "The Perks of Being A Wallflower".

*The other day I told someone that I would love to be Thom Yorke. I'm sure that wasn't received as well as I would have hoped, but what can you do? To me, he is just brilliant; how he leaves me enamored by the sounds that come out of his mouth or the way he puts you in a trance when you watch him move. He is just an odd fellow and I always admire the oddities that surround us. I can also respect the environmentally conscience things that he does, like paperless tickets. Although, some of us would like to have a little memento from your concerts, Thom.

At the end of the day, skating is my favourite way to move to music, although there isn't any in this clip;

Hopefully you can see it.

It's a layback, backscratch, into forward scratch :)

Tin Man & The Wizard of "Ahh's"

Today, Oak Forest had plenty of spirit buzzing through the air.
People had gathered, Public Access television was rolling their camera, and cheers were sent out as the Tin Man made his way back to the top of his loyal home, the roof of a heating & air conditioning facility.

A lot of people gathered together this week all over the country and the world for various reasons. (Beirut, Washington DC & New York, Illinois) All of them being more serious than what I witnessed today outside of King Heating/Air, but all of them having their own significance to the people that come out to support these matters. All of them have a different tone to them. This one, being the most frivolous, was one that I was glad to be a part of.

The crowd gathered outside for the spectacle that was set to take place just after noon. The sign had been placed outside weeks ago displaying;

"The tin man is going back on the roof!

May 7'th at Noon!

ALL ARE WELCOME!"

I couldn't contain myself!

I was so excited, anxious, and genuinely worried when we weren't sure if this whole event had been insured (operating a crane around a large group of people...). Eric had told me the story of the Tin Man a long time ago, when I first was becoming familiarized with this town (I live just down the road from the establishment). The 6 foot 6" Tin Man was perched on the roof of King Heating & Air Conditioning for 30+ years, until he met his fate four years ago to the date. They took him down to repaint/repair him and when they approached the time to put him back up, an ordinance had been passed that restricted his return. The town, was apparently outraged at the then-mayor, JoAnn Kelly. It was their "landmark", as I heard one long time resident claim today. You can tell this is the most excitement this town has seen in a long time. There was so much adoration for this man constructed of scrap tin. I even fell hard for the tin man. I requested off work so I could attend this whole event. After all he was charming.

When I say this was the most excitement this town has seen in a long time, that wasn't a snide remark. It was just so funny to witness it all. The crane hoisted this tin man from the ground up, all to the tune of 'The Star Spangled Banner' & 'Proud To Be An American'. HILARIOUS. I was trying not to crack up as those songs blared through the speakers as this tin man was suspended in the air for all the crowd to see. (The best song they played while I was in attendance was definitely 'Pump Up The Jam')

At the end of the day, this made people so happy. Even if it all was for a short period of time. It would be nice if local government would make decisions that are more effective and less useless-and enact more things that could benefit everyone as a whole. I find a cute aspect in the fact that the current mayor used the tin man as a sweet spot in his campaign speech in 2009, saying that the tin man "would find his way home". Less about local Government and on with the pictures!

Does this remind you of anything?

It reminded Eric and I right way of past images of the raising of the flag.

He remarked, "This tin man is this town's Iwo Jima."

Does that put the adoration into perspective?

At the end of the day now, Oak Forest residents walk away with an assurance that the Tin Man will now resume his watchful eye over the town.

Documented. The week in photos & songs.

Let's start this entry off right;

Every time I hear this song, my mood changes. Normally, it makes me more contemplative.

I generally hold a song in high regard if it has the ability to change my mood, it's a huge reason why I hold Radiohead near and dear to my heart. I kind of get sad when I hear this song.

I feel that's the emotion it is trying to convey. It's remembering a time when things were just different.

Sometimes change is for the general good. Some things change that you accept and adapt to them without even realizing it, and then when you take the time to reflect on those changes you've inadvertently picked up and adapted to, it makes you sad, because things just move in a whole new way now.

It is because you cannot get that way of life back.

A little bit of the past week or so is documented here in photos;

This is a cutter I saw and had immediately had the urge to decorate it.

So I baked it, popped some frosting on it, put it on a stick and sold it.

I loved this cookie, as did my counterpart.

The worst part? The customer was not even enthused upon purchase. 

I decorate a lot of cookies on a stick that sell very well.

I love it when people pick it out--especially kids, and they are genuinely excited about it.

The same feeling I had while decorated was definitely not the same one the buyer had.

No Tolstoy action here. Therefore, not efficient or effective "art". Bummer.

Don't dare forget your teachers or nurses! It's appreciation week celebrating both.

I've decorated tons of apples and schoolhouses this week, along with nurse bears & 'Thank You' messages.

 .    .    .

Let's not forget Frank

Our favourite custom orderer.

Not only are this man's request crazy, but they've become quite fun for me to conquer.

He's come up with yet another crazy design, and he is fond of celebrating only half birthdays.

I've done some really crazy things, this is almost normal compared to some of the others.

BRING IT ON, FRANK!

I can always dig a challenge;

The request was:

An upside down pterodactyl flying over two stick people holding signs.

One to say 7 and the other to say 1/2. Write Hannah upside down.

M&M cookie cake. Use red & green colors.

This is essentially what I do.

I never thought that I would be able to lay down frosting on these cookies like I can now.

I remember going in to apply and thinking "yeah...I don't think I can do this."

I've really developed myself in this line of work. My eye for things is different now.

I am thankful for many things I've learned and experienced here.

But let's be real. After 10 hours with minimal food, I go a little crazy.

I was so amped when I changed our dinner menu from porkchops/rice/salad/rolls to PORTILLO'S!

It was a simple text headed for my counterpart that entailed the sole question: "Portillo's?"

The response? "oooooo Portillo's"

Done & Done.

"I'll take a beef, dipped, hot peppers, two large fries, two plain hot dogs, and a medium root beer!"

I place my order like it's a military order.

I don't think I could have said Portillo's anymore in that sum up. NICE.

Oh tiffany shoes, I love you so.

I love this sock/shoe combo, one of my particular favourites.

I actually scored a pair in a similar style but they are plaid.

Obvious choice.

What an exciting day for Toby!

I scooped up some birdseed at the store the other day and got a window feeder.

I also laid down some seed in a pile by the window on the other side.

I love watching birds/animals and I love watching my cat get all sly while doing the same.

This little guy was at our window while his squirrel counterpart was at the other window.

Nothing could scare these guys away. They stuffed themselves for sure.

.    .    .

Here we have some Brett Dennen

This song has been making me move all week long.

When I say "move" I mean that it's making me full on rock out.

In my car, in the shoppe (don't think I didn't run out in the lobby & dance when customers were there),

in my kitchen this morning, etc, etc, etc.

This song takes me off guard, I don't usually like music like this, not often anyways.

Way to go, Mr. Dennen!

Hopefully it makes you get out of your chair!

Reflections of College & Correspondents.

160'th post.

Saucy, saucy!

Let's kick it off with some PJ Harvey-

"Hanging In The Wire"

I listened to this my walk today and it seemed to suit the mood just right.

So the other day I dropped by my parents house. My mom, as usual, was more than thrilled to give me any mail that had arrived for me during the course of time between visitations. I got that pesky survey from the community college I had attended and got my associates from, College of DuPage. Each time it comes, she urges me to fill it out and send it back. My response is always "Yeah, Yeah, I know, I will." ::cue to me throwing it out:: IN THE RECYCLING BIN -(that counts for something). This time there was a different course of action as I actually took it home, I put it on the counter, and I eyed it for two days before doing anything. This morning, I started to make check marks and circle numbers corresponding with the various questions about performance and accessibility. All of this allows me to face my college career in the face, or at least analyze it for what it was worth.

I'm not ashamed of my college experience in any regard. I actually start my own written review off by saying; 

"I really valued my time spent at C.O.D. I met some wonderful people, I took some great classes, and I had the honour of being taught by some really intelligent and phenomenal professors"...

That is only a glimpse into how I feel. I went to community college because that made the most sense for me. I felt like, and still do feel, that University is one of those things people do because they feel like they have to. For some people, I feel like University is vital to their well being; they can thrive from it and continue to explore more about their points of interest and expand their horizons in terms of opportunity. There are others who find themselves within classrooms who would be better suited working at a hands-on job, learning the tools of the trade as they go, from people who have worked it and are proven to be a more desired source of information versus textbook teachings. I find a lot of people venture to different schools only to find that what they really needed was embedded within some other path. The people that lingered in some of these classrooms were some of the best. I feel that a community college offers something different, or it caters to a more well-rounded group of people, the people of which, are awesome. You get your; extremely smart kids who are there to save a dime and transfer to a four year "ASAP", the mellowed out stoners clad in Dead shirts sitting along the wall, the moms who are making up for lost time, the kids who are totally with it but just don't have their career path down, and the kids who just don't give a damn. This mix is P-R-I-M-E and it always leads to making a few friends or at least having a few solid debates in class. Don't get me wrong, I worked hard, but it WAS college, and there was ALWAYS time for Tom-foolery. 

Like for instance in this math class which I found absolutely deplorable-

I was not a fan of the teacher, but had a class with a buddy. I brought wine glasses &

a bottle of Perrier and we used to drink in class with class.

I dropped this class as soon as I realized I had the ability to.

My College experience was very good, but no doubt, it could have been much better and much more commendable. I left high school completely unsure and that is probably because I went through high school being completely oblivious to everything, I feel. I had Ivy League dreams when it was far too late and knowing you already blew it while you're STILL IN high school is infuriating and extremely disappointing. I know I made up for high school with my time spent in college, but that doesn't change anything. I can hardly tell you what I was doing when my friends were cooped up doing homework and feverishly making flashcards for their Spanish exams, but it wasn't necessarily making mischief. I had fun in high school, minus the 2+ years of hell that ensued when an eating disorder consumed my life. I was concerned about socializing and other things that revolved around socializing; I should have gone into Public Relations or Journalism right off the bat, but I didn't. With my social skills and ability to get information from a mute you'd think I'd pursue one of these routes. "EYES & EARS, EYES & EARS!" I decided to be broad-based and snag a degree in....General Studies. How does one get more well-rounded than that? (answer: MULTIPLE DEGREES & PIE EATING CONTESTS)

Although my survey is not completed, I know it will contain a lot of "I could have done better/taken away more/asked better questions/etc...." With these feelings I have over the course of my reflections on my college experience, I can only be glad they are not making me physically write out my opinions of my high school happenings, for it makes me want to go back to do it all over again. I got fairly good grades in college, but I worked for them. In high school, my grades were sub-par, if you could even throw that title on it (and trust me, you couldn't). I was just consumed with other things, and maybe those things led me to where I am today. At the end of the day, I cannot regret them and feel bad about not doing better, I can only laugh about the times I thought it would be a brilliant idea to run down the halls in my full Gumby suit-and don't you worry, it was.

I can only hope I will find myself seated in an Academic setting again soon. I need to be able to put my thoughts and desires into action. I feel like I've got the momentum and I'm really moving towards something here. I can only hope to pursuit something that entails a good future--something that is realistic and stable. I have a few ideas of what I'd like to go after. I'm anxious to see where they'll go. When I find papers like this, it makes me muster up the motivation to do it all over again;

And yes, I made my college professor a CD.

Making CD's for people is without a doubt within my blood.

I love creating soundtracks for peoples lives.

See-sharing MUSIC and opinions is vital!

As journalism finds itself to be a real potential candidate for something I'd like to study further, it was really nice to hear President Obama thank and commend all the journalists for their hard work and dedication to the craft last night at the White House Correspondent's Dinner. I think that would be such an honour. There are certain moments in your career that I can imagine you are proud of, but I feel that there are other times when it hits you even harder, like when the President is thanking you for your time and practice. It might have been even better to hear Seth Meyers do a sound off on Fox News, Trump, and C-Span. I loved that he was invited to speak here and I think he did a fine job of bringing the right people into the spotlight and his remarks were nice and sharp!

Okay, Okay. I guess now we can understand why there has been no new Saturday Night Live's on for two weeks now. I won't be holding any grudges, only applause. Of course, Seth Meyers was not the only one to rip into Trump, as Obama took part in the fun too. I enjoyed what he had to say. Apparently wise cracks aimed at you are always funnier when coming from the president because Seth couldn't seem to drag that smile out of him. Check it out;

Of course, Trump fires back by calling Seth Meyers a "Stutterer" (what?!) and claiming he was all anybody could talk about. Don't be too modest, Mr. Trump, I promise, you weren't the focus, only the clown.

I'll leave you with;

"Donald Trump often talks about running as a Republican, which is surprising, I just assumed he was running as a joke." - Seth Meyers

-Tessa